Notice The Shift

We were talking about school starting, and all of the preparations that go into Day One. We were laughing, talking over each other, and swapping one-liners about the relief of finally having some time to work on our businesses without kiddo interruptions. Then she paused, sighed, lowered the register of her voice, and said slowly and quietly, “I just hope he’s ready for middle school.”

Bam. The Shift.

Sometimes in conversation, things are happening on such an unconscious level that you don’t naturally notice pace, volume, and facial expressions, and yet all of those components are present. Sometimes, we only notice when those components shift, as they did in the example above.

What is The Shift? Envision what’s happening below the surface during a conversation. Essentially, as we communicate, we are also experiencing emotions that we are aware or unaware of. When The Shift occurs, I believe on of two things is happening with the person sharing:

• They are sharing - maybe not verbally - the emotions they are experiencing, and/or

• There is a change in the emotions they are experiencing

So let’s consider the example above. While on the surface, the conversation was light-hearted and playful, there was an element of fear for at least one of the moms. And they may or not have even been aware of it! During The Shift, she peeled back the layer of humor and playfulness and exposed a more uncomfortable emotion: fear. (Perhaps she felt safe doing so because of the connection she was feeling.) Or perhaps she was totally engrossed in the light-heartedness of the conversation, and perhaps a thought came to her mind that shifted her attention and focus; now she had a sudden sense of fear.

It’s important to recognize that we all have multiple feelings at once, even about the same event. For example, if I asked a parent to sit down and capture all of the emotions they are experiencing when they think about their kiddos going back to school, their list might look something like this:

• Excited

• Overwhelmed

• Joyful

• Relieved

• Guilty

• Peaceful

• Agitated

• Nervous

• Afraid

Sometimes, on a conscious or unconscious level, we feel the need express one of these emotions to a trusted person. And oftentimes, that expression will happen during The Shift.

What can you do with this information?

• First, increase your awareness of when The Shift happens. Start paying attention to the way people communicate, especially their nonverbal communication, like tone, pace, body language, facial expressions, etc.

• Then, you can start looking for The Shift in any conversation. When do things change? How did they change?

• Try and identify the emotion the person is expressing, even if (especially if!) it's being expressed nonverbally.

• See if you can offer some empathy. (I write about how to offer empathy in this blog post.)

  • Note: If these last two steps feel too daunting, another possibility is this: after you notice The Shift, say, “Tell me more.” It’s one of my favorite conversation hacks!

If you follow these steps, the person you are communicating with will most likely feel seen and heard. And isn’t that what we all want?