How Being Empathic is a Lot Like Filling the Ice Cube Tray
I adore my husband. And I honestly see how “opposites attract” is 100% true in our case.
He is laid back; I am - how shall I say this - more tightly wound? I am a strong “J” on the Myers-Briggs, and although he has never taken the assessment, I would bet my bottom dollar that he is a strong “P.”
These polar opposite tendencies are highlighted in various ways as we share a life and a home and a family. One of the most striking display of our differences is how we fill the ice cube tray.
To all of my other fellow “J”s… who knew that there was any other way to fill an ice cube besides gently starting at one end, filling each hole adequately before moving on, and then working you way down the other side?
Apparently, there is. And it just involves pouring water somewhere towards the middle of the ice cube tray and hoping for the best.
This used to (and, tbh, still does) drive me nuts. And then I was humbled when I noticed that an ice cube tray filled by husband would produce just about the same-looking ice cubes as an ice cube tray filled by me.
Go figure.
For over a decade, I have helped people learn how to be more empathetic. I remember working one job, during a debrief, where I suggested that we break down the process, and almost provide “cue cards” for how to make empathic statements. And now in my own business, I often teach empathy in this scaffolded way: first, name the emotion. (First, first… learn how to identify emotions in general.) Second, practice giving an empathic statement. Primers, or training wheels, are there for anyone who needs them. For instance, I might offer phrases like, “You seem {insert emotion.}”
This, by the way, is equivalent to my way of filling the ice cube tray.
And there is nothing wrong with this approach. Sometimes we need to slow down and take things in bite-sized steps. And by bringing in role players to work with people as they start infusing empathy into more of their work conversations, we can really look closely at the words that are used and the impact those words have on someone. It’s a beautiful process. It makes gorgeous ice cubes.
And do you know what also makes gorgeous ice cubes?
Trusting your gut.
Saying the thing that you want to say, even if it didn’t come directly from the Empathy Handbook. (Is there one of these? If so, I need a copy, stat.)
Sometimes, saying nothing at all.
A mentor, M, once shared the story of her dear friend, who we will call Julia. {TW: miscarriage} M and Julia’s friendship was so strong that they could often skip a lot of the steps people usually need for building rapport. They understood each other, quickly, and could tell on an intuitive level when something was wrong with the other. Julia had 1, then 2 miscarriages. One day, (before caller ID, mind you,) M picked up the phone and heard Julia on the other end. M just knew she had lost yet another baby. She replied, “Oh, Julia….” And those two words were the most empathetic ones she had ever heard.
It might not follow a textbook. But the result, with less effort, less concentration, and more instinct, might just be the way to go sometimes.
It really does make some beautiful ice cubes.
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