How to Deliver Bad News

Most people who have lost a loved one have the story.

• “I’ll never forget what the doctor said.”

• “After the word, ‘hospice,’ I don’t remember anything else.”

• “Time stood still when she broke the news to us.”

Sometimes the story is one of warmth and compassion, a balm in the middle of heartache. Other times, it’s a story of coldness and disconnect, a moment that forever stands out as jarring and unforgettable, in the worst possible way.

So how do you ensure that the way you break bad news is as compassionate as possible? How do you give the other person the space that they need to process the news while also balancing the need to discuss at least the next step? Here are a few tips to lead you in that direction.

1. Prepare them. Before you start delivering the news itself, first, offer a simple statement to prepare them to hear the bad news. Something similar to, “Thank you for taking the time to meet with me today. I know you are anxious to hear about your mom’s condition. I wish I had better news to share.” Or an even simpler approach: “We have the test results, and unfortunately, they are not what we had hoped for.” This ‘primer’ tells the person’s brain, which is probably going a mile a minute, “Hey. Pay attention to this next part.” And that’s what you want. Despite the heartache you know it will cause, you do want them to clearly hear the bad news you are about to share.

2. Know yourself. We all have natural tendencies when under stress. (Although we have been focusing on the receiver of the bad news, it is important to acknowledge that the giver of the bad news is also under stress. It’s definitely not an apples-to-apples type of situation. But by realistically acknowledging your own emotions and your tendencies, it can better prepare you to deliver the news as calmly and compassionately as possible.)

Why is it important to know yourself? By taking some time to figure out what your natural tendency is under stress, you can help counter any negative outcomes you anticipate. Here are some thought-provoking questions to ask yourself, as well as some ideas for what to do if you identify yourself in any of these personas.

Beat-Around-the-Bush Betty
You really don’t like any kind of conflict, and when you are in the position of giving bad news to someone, you tend to take a long time leading up to the actual delivery. You might focus on something else instead of the topic at hand.

Tip: You will definitely want to practice ahead of time. Try in the mirror, or with a friend or loved one, to practice what you might say. When you practice, incorporate the “primer” discussed above, but don’t draw it out too long. Your discomfort should not prevent the hearer from receiving the news in a clear and compassionate manner.

Direct Danny
Do people tell you that you “shoot from the hip?” In situations where you have to give bad news, do you prefer “getting it over with” over “holding space?” If so, you might need to find some compassionate phrases that will take the edge off of your bad news delivery.

Tip: The goal isn’t to make you deliver the bad news indirectly, it’s to make your delivery a little less rough around the edges. Start incorporating some more empathic phrases in lower-stakes conversations, so that when faced with breaking bad news, you will have already practiced utilizing that muscle. In a high-stakes conversation, the words you say might reverberate in the hearer’s mind and heart for years to come, so choose wisely. Here are some standard empathic phrases to get you started:

I wish things were different.
Tell me what you’re thinking.
I know this must be so upsetting to hear.
I’m going to pause to let this start sinking in.

Francis the Fixer
You see a problem, and you immediately go into fix-it mode. If a friend talks to you about a problem they are facing, and you can’t wait to get to the part where you get to tell them what they need to do. If this describes you, you may have a tendency to talk too much during this delicate conversation.

Tip: Ask a friend or loved one to help you out. Invite them to share a situation with you where they feel stuck. The goal will be for you to listen, but not offer any advice. Instead of your natural fix-it approach, instead focus on asking open-ended questions and offering empathy.
Here are some options to get you started:

What would you like to do?
Tell me more…
What would you tell a friend in this situation?
If you could wave a magic wand, and the problem would disappear, what would the solution be?

Pro Tip: Invite a group of friends to get in on the game. Whenever someone catches you giving advice, you have to pay them a dollar. They will be very motivated to help you kick the habit, or at least become more self-aware of how often you go into fix-it mode!

3. Hold off on next steps. When someone hears bad news, they often don’t hear or remember anything after that first inkling of the news. For instance, if you use any particularly upsetting words or phrases — cancer, divorce, died, done everything we can, they didn’t make it — there is a great chance that the person listening to you will not hear anything else. They will most likely be in a very heightened emotional state, and their brain might be unable to access its more rational mode. Even though you might want to get out of that conversation as quickly as possible and plan next steps, it will most likely be more than the hearer can handle.

Tip: Only offer one next step: setting up the next time you will talk. Even if you tried to talk about options and next steps during the same conversation as when you break the bad news, it most likely won’t “stick,” and you will just have to share the information again the next time you talk.

Pro Tip: The listener might have questions about next steps, and for some people, this will be how they cope with the awful news they just received. You can, of course, answer their questions. In order to alleviate them of any pressure to remember what you all discussed, though, you might want to add a phrase to let them know you will be sure to cover this again next time. For instance, “We can definitely talk about that now. And we can continue the conversation about next steps the next time we talk. It’s very natural for questions to come up, too, so you can either save them for our next conversation or give me a call as they come up.”

4. Listen. This may be the most challenging moment of their lives thus far. One of the best things you can do is to hold space for them; to non-judgmentally accept and allow their expression of emotions. We often try to fill silence because we are uncomfortable. But sometimes the silence that you allow to exist is exactly what they need to access their current thoughts and feelings. Allow the silence, let them fill it, and then listen to what they say.

It can be challenging to deliver bad news in a compassionate way. But with these tips and with practice, it’s possible. The person on the receiving end of the bad news - whose world just turned upside down - appreciates the effort you took to do so.
_____
Delivering bad news is a skill - it’s a type of difficult conversation that can be practiced, refined, and improved. It is possible to get better at it. If you want to learn more, email me at erin@compassionatecoaching.org, or schedule a call/zoom with me at this link:
https://calendly.com/compassionatecoaching/30-minute-call.