Confessions of a (Reformed) Horrible Communicator
I’m a Communication Coach, and yet I fail at communicating sometimes. (News flash: No one is a perfect communicator.)
In fact, there was a whole season of life when I was a horrible communicator. Let me set the stage for you….
Years ago, I was the Activities Assistant for residents of an assisted living home who had dementia. The residents were in various stages of the condition: some were verbal, many were not; some could walk around, many were confined to wheelchairs. Confusion abounded. Other emotions - fear, joy, sadness, nostalgia, grief - were palpable in those hallways.
Because of the nature of the disease, there was a feeling of organized chaos everywhere you turned. People would walk down the hallways, calling for their young son or daughter, not aware that little Bobby or small Susan were actually in their 60s and living across the country. People would be wide awake at 2 AM or sound asleep in the middle of the afternoon. Our days, as staff, were always different. You could have grand plans for the day that were interrupted by everything from someone needing assistance in the bathroom to providing comfort to someone crying in their room, to calling an ambulance for one of the residents. The only consistencies were meal times, medicine times, and the shift changes of the hardworking staff.
There was no office; my boss had a desk with a computer in the same room where the nurses would store the residents’ medications. She made do with a small, awkwardly-shaped room that connected two hallways with windows that overlooked the kitchen. It was a true “open-door policy;” there were two doors to that room and they were both open all the time. Privacy and quiet were certainly non-existent. Residents would wander through the room constantly, aimlessly, perhaps just to hear the sound of their feet on the hardwood floor.
Most of my time was spent directly with the residents, but I would always start my shift crouched in a corner of that small makeshift office, reviewing the schedule for the day. I would enter the room and head for my “corner,” usually oblivious to who else was in the room and what they were up to. I tried to make my time in that office short; I wanted to start the gathering the residents so we could start the day’s activities on-time. In my mind, I was such a great employee: prompt, efficient, and hands-on with the residents.
This pattern continued, and I could only assume that my boss thought I was doing a great job.
Until she told me I wasn’t.
“You come in here each morning, and you don’t even say ‘hello!’”
I don’t even remember if I responded, but I do remember I was in an utter state of shock. I felt embarrassed, defensive, surprised, and ashamed.
In my mind, efficiency = good employee. In her mind, lack of greeting = not a team player. She was right.
I still have the same Type A, Task Master, List Making brain running at all times. When I walk into a room, I am usually so focused on what needs to be done that I may be oblivious to who else is there. I have had to train myself to take a moment, greet people, and smile.
Simple, right? It’s actually taken a lot of work to get there, and I don’t always do it well. Sometimes when I arrive home, the dishes in the sink grab my attention before my amazing husband and son do. I have to work at it.
We are all communicating all the time. Whenever you are in the presence of another human being (even via zoom,) you are communicating. Whether you are speaking or not, you are communicating. Whether you are listening or not, you are communicating.
Here’s the good news: there is always the opportunity to change. As John Powell says, "Communication works for those who work at it.”
And the even better news is that the change can be very small. All I had to do to change was say “good morning” to my co-workers, smile, and ask how they were. It took an extra 5 seconds, yet the impact was palpable. I was more connected to my co-workers, and I felt calmer as I started my day.
So remember:
When we are in the presence of other humans, we are communicating, whether we are conscious of it or not.
Getting feedback about our communication style is gold.
We always have the opportunity to change.
The change can be simple - smiling, making eye contact, greeting people.
So go out there and make a small change to your communication, and watch for the ripple effects!
Did you know I offer Group Communication Coaching to teams in the helping profession? By working with professional role-players and receiving instant feedback, your team members can improve their communication skills exponentially.
Schedule a call with me to learn more!