Heart Moments and Head Moments
It’s happened to all of us before.
We share something vulnerably, from the heart, and the response we receive - from a healthcare provider, a friend, a spouse - is less than stellar. In fact, it stings a little. It might have sounded like this:
“That’s just the way it is.”
“Have you tried…”
“At least…” (see 1:30 and following on this Brene Brown video)
“90% of people in your situation have that same symptom / thought / experience.”
And if we’re honest with ourselves, we’ve all been the giver of the less-than-stellar response to someone who needed a bit more care, compassion, or empathy.
So what’s going on? And how can we prevent doing this in the future? Let’s start by talking about what I like to call Heart Moments and Head Moments.
What is a Heart Moment?
In a Heart Moment, someone is expressing feelings, concerns, and vulnerabilities. Essentially, they are sharing their heart with you. It might sound like this:
“I’m really worried about…”
“I wasn’t expecting this news at all.”
“It all seems so scary / hard / intimidating / impossible.”
In a Heart Moment, they are expressing a feeling that may be named or unnamed. For example, if they say, “I’m really worried about…” it’s a pretty safe bet that they are feeling worried. If, however, they say, “I wasn’t expecting this news at all,” the feeling is unnamed. We can listen intently to the tone and pace with which they say it, coupled with other nonverbal communication, and we might guess that they are feeling shocked. Or maybe relieved. Or betrayed. It all depends on how they say it. Remember: with a Heart Moment, there is a feeling (or many feelings!) present.
What is a Head Moment?
During a head moment, on the other hand, someone is expressing facts, data, logic, or rationales. It’s the product of what we traditionally call the “left side of the brain,” and it might sound like this:
“You have a 70% chance of survival.”
“Studies have shown…”
“Next, I need you to take this form and call the number on the back, ask for the radiology department…”
Now don’t get me wrong, there is a time and place for the expression of facts, data, logic, or rationales. But here is the key:
If someone is in a Heart Moment, you cannot respond with your own Head Moment.
If you do, there will be a disconnect. The person, whose heart was exposed, vulnerable, and open with you, will now feel isolated and distant. They will not feel seen or heard; they will not feel understood. As a result, they may become angry, or they may shut down. But either way, they will most likely not be willing to trust you with their vulnerabilities again anytime soon.
So if someone says, “I’m really worried about…” they are in a Heart Moment. Replying in your own Head Moment with something like, “You really shouldn’t worry. You have a 70% chance of survival,” essentially negates their feeling. It communicates, "I don’t have time/space/capacity for your feelings right now. I have moved on from the hard part and on to the solution, where there are facts to convey. I can’t sit with your feelings.” Granted, there may be a time and a place to provide them with the 70% survival detail, but it’s not now.
Respond to Heart Moments with Empathy
So if you are not supposed to reply to someone’s Heart Moment with your own Head Moment, how are you supposed to respond? With empathy.
A lot has been written about empathy, and there is some confusion about how to actually communicate with empathy. Nursing scholar Theresa Wiseman has identified four elements of empathy. (Considering that researcher Brene Brown references Ms. Wiseman’s research of empathy, we know these elements are trustworthy.) They are:
Perspective taking
Staying out of judgment
Recognizing emotion in another person, and
Communicating our understanding of that person’s feelings
In other words, when communicating empathy, we are non-judgmentally imagining the situation from someone else’s perspective, recognizing what feelings they might be feeling, and communicating that understanding to the other person. It might look something like this:
“I’m really worried about the surgery.”
“Yeah, you are feeling afraid about all of the unknowns.”
“I wasn’t expecting this news at all.”
“You seem shocked to hear this today.”
“It all seems so scary.”
“I can tell you’re feeling really overwhelmed. Tell me more.”
We have to meet someone’s Heart Moment with our own heart, and with empathy. It helps to connect us to them on a human level, and it can help the other person, who is exposing their heart to you, to feel seen and heard. So the next time you are talking with someone who is in a Heart Moment, try empathy. I would love to hear how it goes.